When a former partner won’t comply with parenting orders, what to do?
Most parents I see work really hard to come to an agreement about how they are going to parent their kids into the future. Many opt for a parenting plan but just as many opt to have those agreements made legally enforceable by turning their agreements into court orders. Yet this is only the beginning, what happens if they then decide not to follow through with what they have agreed?
The answer to this question really is, it depends. It depends on whether the parent who is complying chooses to do something about it. It depends on how serious the non-compliance is. Can the problem be resolved in mediation, or has the situation become so fraught that a judge needs to resolve it?
For a comprehensive look at what your options are if you find yourself in this situation, take a look at this article by Simon Creek from HHG Legal Group.
myfamilylaw.net.au/my-ex-will-not-comply-with-parenting-orders-what-are-my-options/?
Brangelina Wedding Bells
I must admit that I’m a little in love with Angelina Jolie. Not just because she is talented, beautiful and contributes a lot to the community but because she seems to be a mother that has her priorities straight.
The photos and stories surrounding her recent wedding to Brad Pitt provide a window into what it might look like when parents put the needs of their children first. Apparently, the entire idea of the couple marrying came from the children. In addition, all six children were involved in planning the day, with two of the boys walking mum down the aisle and the children’s drawings embroidered into Angelina’s gown and veil. Their ten year old baked the wedding cake.
Brides usually become fixated on the details of their wedding, the dress and the cake become vitally important. To essentially let your kids’ scribbles cover your dress and have a ten year old bake the wedding cake show that your concerns about vanity and perfection on ‘your special day’ (I have a ten year old who bakes cakes – pretty they ain’t) are of less concern than making sure the day is meaningful to the children – in a way that is important to them and not you.
Not usually a follower of celebrity gossip, I found the news surrounding Brad and Angelina’s wedding quite uplifting. The picture painted of a close knit large family enjoying such a wonderful moment together, and Angelina’s statement that ‘It was a lovely, happy day with lots of laughter and meaning that the entire family will remember for the rest of their lives’ brought a smile to my face and a little hope to my day.
I swear though if they end up separating I’ll be devastated!
Cold & Flu
It is that time of the year again. No, not tax time – no one I know thinks about that until at least October – but cold & flu season. Here at our Melbourne office we have an open plan set up, which is great for team camaraderie and communication -(read gossip) but terrible when someone gets sick. It is inevitable that whatever germs are brought into the office are quickly passed around. The fact that I have four children at home, each coming into contact with approximately 30-40 other children every day, seems to raise the likelihood of catching something to a certainty.
Like many working mothers I compound the problem by doing two things which I know are a no no. Firstly, I pretend that I’m not sick and power on through my normal schedule of work and study, adamantly refusing to take a sick day or, god forbid, a rest. Secondly, if it’s just a cold, I refuse to acknowledge that the children are sick. I fill them with litres of hot lemon juice and honey, and the odd Panadol or two, and shuffle them off to school sufficiently rugged up and with strict instructions to not look sick. I’m sure I’m not the only one who dreads the call from the school office requesting (or is it demanding?) that you come and collect your sick child. It might just be my working mother guilt combined with a furtive imagination but I can’t help hearing a critical subtext that screams ‘Bad Mother!’
Leaving work to collect said sick child then brings on a further wave of guilt. Even though Farrar Gesini Dunn are fully committed to supporting women in the workplace, and I’ve never seen so much as a rolled eye or disapproving look (in fact quite the opposite), I can’t help thinking that now I’m also a bad employee. Oh, if only I’d nipped the problem in the bud.
So last Friday, with a 10 year old that had been up coughing until midnight, I made the decision to let him stay home. We snuggled in bed until noon, him reading and sleeping, me studying and by Saturday he was well and we were back on track. I’m sure many mums and dads have the same problem – does anyone have the magic answer?
Why it is a good thing when your children hate you
On Mother’s Day, as tradition requires, I received a lovely card from my beautiful 15 year old daughter. It was full of positive affirmations about how great a mum she thinks I am, unfortunately this was not to last long.
The next day I sent her a reminder to attend orchestra rehearsals. What ensued was a ferocious email argument. She told me she took back all she’d said on Mother’s Day, she hated me and that I was the worst mother ‘EVER!!!!! The twenty message tirade ended with her saying ‘F*** you!’ and me responding ‘Whatever’.
As I braced myself for her eventual return, I had no qualms about forcing her to attend something she didn’t want to go to. When I think about it I ‘force’ my children to do a lot of things, from music practice, to housework and homework, to fulfilling commitments they’ve made. I’m not bothered (or not too much anyway) if they are unhappy with me.
As parents we spend a lot a time focusing on making sure our children are happy. We are also thinking about what is in their best interests. The reality is that these aren’t necessarily always the same thing. Many children would be happy with unrestricted screen time, no homework and chocolate for dinner but you wouldn’t find many parents agreeing with that arrangement.
The Family Law Act talks not about parental rights but of parental responsibilities. The Court’ s paramount consideration when making decisions for children is to determine not what makes them ‘happy’ but what is in their best interests in the short AND long term. Certainly as parents our responsibility should be to do the same. Our job isn’t about being their friend but about guiding them in the right direction and as best as possible setting them up for a productive and fulfilling life. Sometimes this may require us to ‘force’ them to do something, sometimes they may be unhappy and sometimes they may hate us.
How did my day end? My daughter came home and was her normal loving self. The argument had already been forgotten and we made school lunches together whilst chatting about the trials of her day. I’m sure she’ll hate me again next week but I’m also confident the lessons I teach her and things I ‘force’ her to do will make her happier in the long run (fingers crossed).
This is what I did last summer….
Law studies can sometimes be impractical and not applicable to the everyday. Yet last summer I had the opportunity to study mediation practices in China, a country said to have the most impressive, efficient and effective mediation system the world over. 5,000 odd words later and I have to agree that there are some valuable lessons to be learnt from the Chinese attitude to resolving disputes. In summary, the Chinese approach mediation with a different mindset from the typical Westerner, and it is this mindset that we can learn from.
‘The Chinese are conscious, most especially in family matters, that the combative win-lose approach of litigation is ‘counter-productive and harmful’ where there is a need to maintain an ongoing relationship. Mediators will encourage the parties to look beyond their own self-interests, empathise with the other party’s position and be willing to compromise. Whilst the goal of Western mediation is foremost the formulation of an agreement, for Chinese mediators the goal is to maintain positive relationships and thus preserve social harmony. The actual agreement made is secondary, and therefore only of value, if it meets its primary goal of resolving the conflict.’
If you’d like to read more, take a look at the link below.
Mediation in China – Lessons for the West
The ‘good divorce’?
I came across an article recently that gave some great advice for single mothers. There was one thing that concerned me though. The author, Samantha Young, talked about the ‘good divorce’ where both parties are ‘rational and adult, divide assets fairly…do not argue or fight, support one another in parenting, agree on custody and remain friends’. The author, despite being a psychologist said she had ‘never seen or heard of such a divorce’.
Luckily for me I get to see and hear about these divorces all the time. Often I get couples in mediation that are really committed to the pursuit of the ‘good divorce’ and will work hard to ensure it. At Farrar Gesini Dunn we also offer couples the option of Collaborative Law, where couples work with their lawyers, and possibly other professionals like child specialists and finance gurus, to make arrangements in a collaborative rather than adversarial manner.
There is no question that couples that commit to a ‘good divorce’ will be required to expend a lot of time and energy in working towards this goal. They will need to make certain commitments to behaving in an adult and rational manner, as well as minimising conflict. They will need to focus not on their own needs but to the needs of the family as a whole, most importantly the needs of the children. There is no question that in many respects proceeding straight to litigation is the easy way out. A ‘good divorce’ requires both parties to be ‘good people’ and in the throes of a break up this can be quite difficult, even for the best of us. Being your better self is challenging, it is far easier to allow a traditional litigation lawyer to fuel the flames of conflict and maintain your rage.
As to being ‘friends’ I think this may be, initially at least, an unrealistic goal. What couples instead should aim for is a respectful and business-like relationship, where the ‘business’ of the family is the parenting of the children. In order to get the best results you’ll need to work together, and like many a work situation you may have to do this with someone that you don’t necessarily like. A good divorce isn’t about liking your partner, it is about working productively together for the sake of the children.
The key to a good divorce is the same as the key to a successful marriage – respectful dialogue, honesty and integrity, focussing on being your better self and lots of hard work. If you are willing to do that then a ‘good divorce’ is within your grasp.
Samantha Young’s article can be found at http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/advice-for-single-mums/
NB. Samantha also advises minimising the use of lawyers. I would clarify this by saying that you should minimise the use of litigation lawyers but seek advice from lawyers (and mediators) who promote interests based negotiation and collaborative frameworks. The lawyer you choose will often determine the outcome – chose the wrong one and the ‘good divorce’ won’t even be an option.
Sometimes it is best to acknowledge exactly what it is that we don’t know. That way we can turn to those that know better and get the real help we need. The key is knowing when, and most importantly who, to turn to. I rely on a trusted list of advisors and counsellors, people I can feel confident referring clients to, and seeking advice from, when I reach the limits of my expertise.
Changing perspectives over time
I had all my four children within a five year time span and even I realised that this was crazy at the time. What I found even more crazy was that the advice, guidance and information I received from fellow mums, my maternal health care nurse and all the available literature changed dramatically between child number one and child number four. Dummy yes for number one, dummy no for number four. Controlled crying ok for number one but definitely not by number four. The advice my mum was given 26 years prior when I was born was so out of date it eventually came back into fashion sometime around child number three. More confusing than raising the children was knowing which was the right advice to follow.
As a mediator we are trained in the current thinking about the relationships between parents and children and the impact of separation and certain parenting regimes. There are, of course, certain leaders in the field of child psychology whose research become gospel and heavily impacts current thinking about what is in the best interests of children. This current thinking is then incorporated into how disputes involving children are resolved, both explicitly through changes in the law or through the advice lawyers, mediators and psychologists give to their clients.
What is interesting about this book review is that it examines the various schools of thought about separation and children, and how they change over time. It is worth considering that when we attempt to educate our clients about what is in their child’s best interests, and when they are struggling with making the ‘right’ decision about what to do, these decisions and whether they are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ will most certainly change over time.
Elisa Turco 